BREAKING: PROFESSOR DOESN’T ACTUALLY WANT YOU TO COME TO OFFICE HOURS

This article was originally published here.  This article is satirical.

A recent study has revealed that, despite common belief, most professors do not actually want students to come to their office hours.

Lacey Hert, 20, said that she and her classmates decided to conduct the study after she attended office hours for the first time and was not greeted with the warm reception she was hoping for.

“My professor always gushes at the end of class about how she’s always here for us, and we can always bring any questions to her after class,”

Hert said, though she wanted to keep this certain professor’s identity anonymous.

“But I got there and she was just kicked back eating Chinese food and watching TV and actually seemed disappointed when she saw me.”

Hert said she gathered a group of her classmates and they decided to go to all of their professor’s office hours with well-crafted questions about grades or coursework and document the reaction. Hert said that, while none of them are statisticians, she believes the results are definitive.

“Professors are full of lies when they say they want to help you,”

Hert said.

“Sure, students probably only go to suck up for a better grade—but that shouldn’t mean they hate you for it!”

Although the professors identities from the study will remain a secret, a few faculty members from the university have come forward after reading the group’s thesis that has begun to make its rounds online. While some professors are sticking to the story that office hours are a time for bonding and one-on-one education, a few others have confirmed Hert’s findings.

“Can you blame us for wanting a few spare minutes not trying to explain logarithms or why we can’t round up 16% points?”

The professor said.

“If you have to come to office hours, so be it, but at least bring a good old fashioned bribe by way of a donut or something.”

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